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[Ecthelion]

Merci pour tes commentaires Wilheim. J'ai passé mon temps hier soir à éditer ce bout, et je crois que maintenant c'est un peu plus réaliste, c'est plus précipité et les méchants entre dans la maison juste derrière eux. Je crois qu'il y a plus de tension (dites moi si je me trompe ).

De plus, nous (bon moi, peut-être pas vous) fêtons notre 100ème message aujoud'hui. Je sors le champagne!

La suite demain, j'ai déja écrit un bout, et j'ai failli pleurer à un endroit (peut-être à cause de la fatigue, mais bon). Je finis un peu plus ce soir.

Ecthelion

[Ecthelion]

Bon, j'envoie la suite, un peu court, mais pas trop.

Hunted, continued

Misha raced over the slippery tiles covering the roofs, pulling Sonia and Sophia behind her. Looking over her shoulder, she saw three men pull themselves up through the trapdoor.

Alone or with Stephan, I could escape. But with the twins? How are we going to do this?

They got to the edge of the little group of buildings where they lived, and stopped too quickly. They slipped on the tiles, and began to slide towards the gap.

Misha caught hold of a small chimney and stopped her from sliding further, but had to let go of Sonia to do so. The little girl continued to slip towards the edge, but Stephan caught hold of her and pulled her to her feet.

The men were trying to run towards them, but the slippery tiles made it very difficult. They are to close, how are we going to get the twins across?

“Misha!” Stephan shouted, seeing that the men were getting closer. “Get to the other side and I will toss the twins to you!”

Misha didn’t think, but obeyed him blindly, pulling little Sophia up to the chimney so she could hold on to it, then jumped.

The rotten roofing gave way under feet as she landed, plunging her down towards the dark streets twenty feet bellow.

Screaming, her arms flailed desperately and struck against one of the beams supporting the roof, her hands closing around it, stopping her fall.

The sudden breaking of her fall nearly wrenched her from the beam, but she held on. Grunting and panting she pulled herself back onto the roof.

The twins were crying now and the men were close by. One of them tripped and fell, but the two others charged Stephan. He simply turned his back to them and tossed a screaming Sonia over to her.

As Misha caught the girl in her arms, she saw him stare at her, mouthing the words: Take care of them! Take care of my sisters!

The two hooded men ran him through. But as they did so, their momentum carried them over the edge, and they feel, Stephan’s arms around them in a macabre embrace.

Misha was shocked speechless for a small moment that held all of eternity, images of times half forgotten rattling in her brain; Stephan putting the twins to bed, Stephan giving her her first pair of daggers, Stephan counting a good day’s earnings on the worn table, the two of them running away from the guard, a leg of lam under each arm. All those memories assaulted her mind, numbing her. But she recovered when she saw the third man walk towards Sophia, a cruel-looking sword in his hand.

“Sophia, you must jump over the side! Don’t worry, I will catch you!”

But the little girl was scared out of her mind. All of this was alien to her; all of a sudden, the world in which she lived had been broken and her brother taken from her by these men. She couldn’t move.

The man walked up to her. “Give us the medallion, boy!” he said to Misha, mistaking her for a man because of her clothes and the darkness. “Give it to us… Or I will slit this little creature’s throat!”

“And what if I just throw it into the street and smash it?” she asked pulling it out of her pocket and holding it up where he could see it.

“Then we will kill you all now!”

Misha considered for a moment then shook her head in submission. “All right, you can have it!” And she threw it into the air, high above the man’s head.

Out of reflex, he reached up to grab it, but it flew over his outstretched fingers. Instead of catching it, he lost his footing, and fell over backwards. Backwards over the edge of the roof.

Misha jumped over the gap, and scooped Sophia up in her arms and jumped back over. The roof held this time and she fell hard onto the roof, cracking her left elbow.

Crying from the pain, she led the twins away, away from everything they had ever loved and known.

I will kill them all for this! Even if it takes me a hundred years, I will do it.

Course-poursuite sur les toits, Stephan meurt en protégeant les jumelles. Misha perd le médaillon et s'enfuit.

“You failed me, maggot. We found the medallion, but they still escaped.”

“I will find them, just give me some time…”

“Time has run out.”

“What are you doing? No! Don’t…”

Cries of pain filled the night.

Un des méchants se fait punir pour avoir faillit son maître.

Dites-moi ce que vous en pensez, je veut faire en sorte qu'il y ait de la tension dans le texte, si quelqu'un voit comment améliorer, qu'il me le dise.

Ecthelion

Modifié le 20 septembre 2005 par Ecthelion

[Wilheim Von Carstein]

Salut à toi,

Je n'ai relevé qu'une erreur de forme :

Misha caught hold of a small chimney and stopped her from sliding further, but had to let go of Sonia to do so

had tolet go off

Au niveau fond... ,c'est beau.

Le passage est déjà très bien comme ça, mais je pense que si tu veux l'améliorer, il pourraît être bon de te pencher un peu plus, tout d'abord sur les pensées puis sur les sentiments de Misha, car l'action est un peu trop rapide pour qu'on ait vraiment le temps de s'émouvoir vraiment.

Ca fait peut être un peu cliché mais on a l'impression de regarder un bon film, mais sans aucun ralenti. L'action se déroule à vitesse normale, sans aucune distorsion du temps pour mettre l'accent sur les choses. Cela me semble particulièrement vrai pour la mort de Stephan, qui est très bien décrite mais à mon avis trop rapide et elle semble n'avoir que peu de conséquences sur Misha (qui a d'autres chats à fouetter, certes)

Je pense (mais ça n'est que mon avis et on me critique parfois pour mes descriptions trop longues) que tu devrais intercaler un passage "sentimental" entre

Misha was shocked speechless

et

, but recovered when she saw the third man walk towards Sophia, a cruel-looking sword in his hand.

Quelque chose du genre :

"Misha was shocked and speechless as she saw the three men falling down and vanishing into the shadow of the street. It seemed that she had suddenly become deaf, she couldn't hear anything but the thud of her heart in her chest. She feeled like she was choking, she gasped for a breath as recollections assailed her [...] Yet she had to go on. She had to live to take care of the twins, to honour Stephan's last will... and to avenge him. She recovered when she saw the third man..."

Bon courage pour la suite.

A+

[Ecthelion]

Merci pour tes conseilles Wilheim, je vais tenter de rendre ce passage un peu plus dramatique, sans pour autant trop faire. Je pense que l'idée que tu m'a donnée est bonne, faut juste que je traficote un peu.

Merci pour les encouragements!

Ecthelion

[Fourberass]

Salut !!!

Bon ben j'aime toujours autant cette suite, c'est vraiment du bon boulot.

Une petite chose:

Cela me semble particulièrement vrai pour la mort de Stephan, qui est très bien décrite mais à mon avis trop rapide et elle semble n'avoir que peu de conséquences sur Misha (qui a d'autres chats à fouetter, certes)

+1

Mais sinon, rien grave ...Ce récit est vraiment bon et j'ai hate de lire la suite !!!(enfin, si le forum le permet bien sur ...

A++, Fourberass qui retourne à son tee-shirt ...

[Ecthelion]

J'ai modifié le post d'avant et vous envoie un peu plus de la suite.

Hunted, continued

The twins woke up at dawn, three hours later. The first thing that they asked Misha was why their brother wasn’t with them.

Misha cried, how could she tell these little children that their brother had died and that they would never see him?

“He is gone,” she said quietly. “He has gone where we cannot follow him. We will never see him until we too depart from where we are now and go to meet him.”

The girls didn’t understand, but they kept from asking more questions and tried to go back to sleep.

Misha closed her eyes, though she didn’t dare sleep. They had climbed down to the street through an old abandoned building and fled towards the centre of the city. The girls had finally been too exhausted to continue on, so Misha had practically dragged them to one of the guard-posts, hoping that nobody would come after them there.

The guards had taken no notice of them, having seen their share of homeless come up to the posts at night to seek protection.

The pain in her elbow was growing, and all she could do was tie her arm in a splint to keep it from moving.

What are we going to do? she thought. I only have fifty crowns in my pocket and I couldn’t even defend myself were we attacked. There must be someplace we can go to and be safe.

Try as she might, she couldn’t think of anything. The hooded men could be anywhere, they might even be watching her now, waiting for her to fall asleep to kill them all.

The thought made Misha shiver.

Someone must know of a place where we could be safe. Well, if not safe, safer than out in the streets…

Misha began listing the people she could go to for help. Stephan is not here anymore, the Guard would be of no help, they might even use me, she thought, picturing of all the corrupt men and officers she had heard about. I cannot go to the boys that offered me “protection” either, I humiliated their chief one time too many… The orphanages or temples? No, they would just take the twins away from me and I promised Stephan that I would take care of them.

Misha was at a loss for solutions and finally began crying bitterly.

What are we going to do?

Misha ne sait pas quoi faire. Elle est au bord du déséspoir.

The day dragged on, slow and dull, but Misha didn’t want to leave the relative security that came from staying next to the guard-post.

It was hunger that made her finally move towards the market where she bought some bread and cheese for herself and the twins. But despite her need for food, she couldn’t bring herself to eat anything.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t see the group of boys moving in on her.

“Hello Misha,” their leader said in an artificially pleasant voice. “What are you doing out here with your adorable little sisters?”

Misha looked up and saw the gang leader she had humiliated several weeks before. Why now? I am in no shape to fight them.

The boy reached out and grabbed her by the collar and heaved her up to eye-level. “You are going to pay for what you did to me, pinprick!” He slapped her hard across the face then threw her to the ground.

“Now, here is the deal: you don’t mess with us, you submit yourself completely to my orders,” he laughed nastily. “And,” he added, “We don’t hurt the little angels here, we will even take care of them until they are old enough to please us.”

They all laughed as he spat on her. “Bring her! And don’t forget the little ones.”

Misha was in a terrible rage, but couldn’t do anything as the boys picked her up and half dragged, half carried her into an alley, where they threw her face down in the dirt.

They laughed louder as their leader roughly turned her to face him as he sat on her. “You will be nice, won’t you? You know what will happen if you don’t…”

He slid his hand down to touch her face.

Misha was filled with a blind rage; all she wanted to do was polish the cobblestone street with his face. Fury consumed her, and she felt herself grow hot as her anger burned within her.

As the boy touched her face, he let out a howl of pain and jumped off of her. “Her skin! It’s a hot as coals!”

Her clothes began smoking as something, an incredible source of heat and energy began to eat at her clothes and blacken them.

Misha let her rage escape her and stretched her hand out at her tormentor. “Nar!” she bellowed and a small jet of flames jumped from her outstretched fingers and struck him in the face.

The others saw what she had done and fled in panic, screaming: “Witch!” at the top of their lungs.

Misha felt the warmth leave her body as the flames burned at the youth’s face. She closed her hands and they died out leaving the boy withering on the ground in agony.

She felt heat flow back into her body, chasing the icy coldness that had almost overcome her away. How did I use Magic? Like I need witch-hunters on my tail now!

She quietly led the twins away into the darker part of the city.

I need help; maybe my fence can give it to me…

La bande que Misha à maté au début du récit fait sa réaparition, et veulent user d'elle. Misha use de pouvoir pyromantiques pour les repouser. Elle ne sait pas qu'elle est magicienne. À la fin, et se dit que son contact pour vendre les objets volés pourait l'aider, peut-être.

Voilà pour l'instant, la suite est en construction.

Ecthelion

Modifié le 20 septembre 2005 par Ecthelion

[Gemini Dragon]

How did I use Magic? Like I need witch-hunters on my tail now!

d'un autre côté, je connais une certaine organisation qui a "récemment" perdu un bon élément, et pourrait la protéger...

je me trompe ???

The girls had finally been to exhausted to continue on

"too", non ???

He thought made Misha shiver.

"The", non ???

Someone must now of a place where we could be safe.

"know", non ???

I humiliated their chief one time to many

"too", non ???

Why now? I am in no shape to fight them.

euh... pas sûr là ...

j'ai toujours considéré "shape" comme la forme géometrique, pas physiologique...

“Her skin! It’s a hot a coals!”

pas compris, là...

[Ecthelion]

Arghhhh! Merci Gemini. Mais c'est pas vrai! Que de fautes...

Oh, faudra attendre un peu avant qu'elle se retrouve (peut-être) l'Ordre... Vous verez bien, un jour...

“Her skin! It’s a hot a coals!”

pas compris, là...

Sa peau est chaud comme des braises...

Ecthelion

Modifié le 20 septembre 2005 par Ecthelion

[Gemini Dragon]

Oh, faudra attendre un peu avant qu'elle se retrouve (peut-être) l'Ordre... Vous verez bien, un jour...

pas gentil, ça...

Sa peau est chaud comme des braises...

n'aurait-ce pas dû être "as hot as coals" ???

(mes cours, ça fait un bail...)

[Ecthelion]

Bonjour tout le monde.

Je commence par vous remercier d'avoir suivis ces textes et d'avoir témoignés autant d'intéret dans une histoire d'une autre langue.

Je vais déménager dans deux semaines et n'aurais pas un accés internet aussi rapide et économique que maintenant. Par conséquent, j'arrète de poster ici et dans ce magnifique forum. Heureusement, je ne part qu'un an, alors I will be back!

Par contre, si vous voulez suivre l'aventure, envoyez moi un MP ou un e-mail et je vous enverrais le document en format Word pour que vous puissiez le lire à la maison (quand je finirais un bout de l'histoire, bien sûre).

Encore une fois, merci à vous tous.

Ecthelion

Modifié le 27 septembre 2005 par Ecthelion

[Fourberass]

Je vais déménager dans deux semaines et n'aurais pas un accés internet aussi rapide et économique que maintenant. Par conséquent, j'arrète de poster ici et dans ce magnifique forum.

...Alors ça c'est bien dommage ...

Par contre, si vous voulez suivre l'aventure, envoyez moi un MP ou un e-mail et je vous enverrais le document en format Word pour que vous puissiez le lire à la maison (quand je finirais un bout de l'histoire, bien sûre).

Compte sur moi en tout cas. Je n'ai pas l'intention de rester sur ma faim !!!

A bientôt donc, ici ou ailleurs ...

A++

[Ecthelion]

Ici Ecthelion, et je lance un appel à mes anciens, et extrément fidèles qund j'ai eu posté, je dois l'avouer, lecteurs, ainsi qu'a des nouveaux lecteurs que l'anglais ne rébute pas...

Bon, fini de crâner... Je suis de retour apès presque un an de vie en france (sans connesction ADSL ) et vais me relancer dans mon postage d'histoires. Pendant mon abscence, j'ai pu bien avancer dans le récit, je suis en train de boucler la 5ème partie! (oui, oui, pas besoin de prendre la grosse tête, d'autres ont fait mille fois plus...)

Alors voila, je vais commencer à poster dans la semaine à venir (comme ça vous pouvez vous remettre à jour, si ça vous tente) à raison de trois à quatre fois par semaine... Pas plus, ou je ne vais pas pouvoir suivre avec l'écriture.

Si vous voulez pauffiner votre anglais, venez donc! Je suis disponible pour aider avec la compréhention et fournir des explications quand vous le désirez. Et si vous trouvez des fautes, j'en serais reconnaissant (et honteux par la même occasion ) J'aime pouvoir progresser et amméliorer mon style.

Ecthelion

[Ecthelion]

Bon, je me relance dans le postage (comme promis). Je reprend là où j'ai laissé les choses, avec Misha, la gammine des rues qu se retrouve pourchasée par des cultistes de Tzeentch...

Hunted, continued

Misha led the twins into the shadier par of the city to talk to her fence.

The streets were narrower and darker, casting a feeling of unease over the three. The twins clung to her as they walked past people performing every kind of dishonest trade.

Never looking left or right, Misha walked up to an old, dilapidated building and knocked on the door.

A small man opened it and peered up at her. “Ah, Misha, it’s been a while,” he said. “Come in, come in! I’m sure that Trorgrim will see you today,” he beckoned them inside,

“Actually, could I see him now?” she answered. “I have an urgent matter to discus with him.”

“I’m not sure. He is conducting business with someone and cannot be disturbed.”

“Well, would you please make sure he knows I’m here?”

The man bowed and hurried off, leaving the three alone in a large waiting room, richly decorated with Arabian tapestries and several Numidian statuettes from the southern reaches of the world. The old midget spends much time and money gathering art stuff. He must make a lot of his fencing, either that or he controls other, more profitable way to gather gold…

She sat the twins on a large divan and lay down next to them. “Try to get some sleep little ones. We may be here for a while.”

She closed her eyes and gladly let sleep take her.

Several hours later, the same mall man aroused her. “Trorgrim will see you now.”

“Very well,” she turned to see the twins asleep. “Would you make sure that they aren’t disturbed while I speak to your master?”

“But of course! Now, would you follow me?”

He led her down a small corridor, than through an imposing door of ash and bronze into a windowless room where a Dwarf sat behind a large stone table.

When the servant had left, he stood up and showed her a chair to sit in with a wave of the hand. “Well Misha, what are you doing her?” he asked. “And might I add that you look awful!”

She did indeed look awful, her clothes tattered and dirty, her face smeared with mud, set with haggard, sleepy eyes.

“Nothing gets by you,” she said in a weak attempt at humor. “We had a bad day.”

“Indeed”, he answered. “But where is Stephan?”

Misha hesitated a moment before answering. “He was killed last night by men hooded men, clothed in black.”

Trorgrim was stunned. “Why were you attacked?” Then his eyes showed fear. “Please don’t say you stole something from them!”

“Two hundred gold coins and a medallion.”

“A medallion with an eye wreathed in flames carved upon it?”

“How did you know?” asked a very surprised Misha.

“I know, because they came to me asking if someone had fenced it through me. They also added that should anyone try to fence it, he was to be detained so they could have a word with him.”

“They knew who my fence was?” asked a horrified Misha. “How could they know?”

“They simply asked every known fence in Marienburg, three associates sent runners to me before they came. They want that medallion back!”

“I think they may have it back now. I threw it at one of them and it fell into the street. But I feel that they might come after the twins and I. Can you help us? Please help us!”

Trorgrim considered it for a moment. “I’m sorry I cannot, they know the underworld of Marienburg too well. They would find out that I am hiding you and kill us all. I couldn’t hide you or the twins, not even if you paid me with a Dragon’s hoard.”

Misha fell back into her chair, crushed. If Trorgrim didn’t dare help them, she knew that no one else would risk it. They were condemned to die or flee Marienburg.

“But,” continued the Dwarf, “I might just know someone who could help you. As he is not completely immersed in criminal activities, the Guard will actually come if summoned.”

Misha looked up at him, tears of relief flowing from her eyes.

“I cannot bring you to him, or have my men do it, you will have to do it on your own. But I can give you some help.”

“Thank you.”

Misha rencontre l'Homme (un Nain dans se cas précis) à qui elle vend les objets qu'elle vole. Il est au courant que les cultistes cherchent le médaillon et ne peut pas offrire le refuge à Misha car il craint que les cultistes le découvre et se vengent. Par contre il connaît l'adresse de quelqu'un qui pourrait l'herberger. Il va lui donner de l'aide et l'adresse, mais il faut qu'elle se débrouille pour y aller

Voilà le post pour aujourd'hiu. Je reposte d'ici deux jours. Dites moi ce que vous en penser s'il vous plaît et bonne lecture.

Ecthelion